Sunday, 19 August 2007

Big boys do cry

I remember my most recent ex told me that she couldn't cry. No matter how sad she becomes, she just wont cry.

I remember telling her that since Kek Yee and I broke up more than 3 years ago, I've never cried. Which is kind weird because i used to be the type that cries easily as I was extremely sensitive. Anyhow, I'm not like that anymore.

My recent ex told me that its weak for a guy to cry. To a certain extent, i do agree. However, i could not hold back my tears over the weekend.

On Friday nite i had a blast at the Mount Kiara Jazz Festival. It was a pretty good nite coz i won a lucky draw prize and won some egg eating contest. What was incredible was I met alot of people that night. It was great to meet alot of friends such as colleagues, the rainforest kakis, bree, marion, ian, swee lyn, matthew, nizam, ace, etc, etc.... I trully had a great time that night. The drinks and company couldn't have been a better match!

What i didnt realise was while i was out having fun, something sad was happening miles from where i was.

My beloved godmother passed away peacefully that Friday nite. I only got the news on Saturday whilst I was out with Pauline, Serena and a few others for lunch. My dad smsed me and it didn't kick in until we returned back to the basketball courts where we were supporting the PwC's basketball campaign in this year's edition of the Inter Accounting Firms Games.

Anyhow, whilst I was seated on the floor watching the match, with the crowd roaring behind me and the game going on in front of me, I zoned out for a moment, reading the short sms over and over again.

Then it happened.

A tear trickled from my right eye. Suddenly an avalanche of memories of countless times spent with my godmother came flooding in. Priceless childhood memories of going to the market, walking to the neighbour's house, listening to redifusion, helping her cook (such as helping her slaughter the chicken, soaking it in hot wather, plucking the feathers, then cooking it), etc, etc....

I prevented myself from cying out, but i was choking and couldn't concentrate on the match. So i just sat there, stoning. I rushed home after the match and sat in my room. I stared at the wall for a long time in total disbelief.

My parents and I only attended the wake yesterday and I'll go for the funeral tomorrow. Since the little episode at the basketball court till the moment we went over to the house last nite, I didnt cry. I wanted to, but didnt. However, the moment i put my arms around to embrace my godfather i couldnt hold back the tears. I gently hugged each of my godbrothers and sisters and left tears on their shoulders.

I finally composed myself and led myself in to pay my final respects. My fingers trembled as I lit up the josstick and the tears kept pouring as I prayed. My heart sank when i saw her lying there in her casket. She looked so peaceful and beautiful. Why did God have to take her away? She was so young.

I wished I had visited her more often. I wished she would be around to attend my wedding. I wished she could care for my kids like she did for me. I wish...

I composed myself quickly and sat in utter silence all night. I wasnt too interested in watching the liverpool v chelsea game when i got home. All i wanted to do was sit in my room and cry for a bit. Which is exactly what i did.

Humans take things for granted, including life. I think I should ponder on that a little longer and assess ME. Particularly - my lifestyle. My godmother was a healthly lady. She took care of my godfather. She goes for tai-chi every morning. She still goes to the market and cooks, etc, etc, etc... Sigh.

Reality bites. Life sucks. Its time to wake up and change. Must start now.

I miss you Godma. May you rest in peace.

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."


jolcy said...

my deepest condolences to you..

and it is really ok to cry once in awhile... holding everything in is really not too healthy...


Femme said...

i'm so sorry to hear about your godmother. but i'm sure she's happier where she is now. *hugs*

AngryYoungChild said...

=/ My deepest condolences to you and her family.